Today was a long day-We had 2 doctor appointments today,one at 10 and one at 230.Im so thankful for my closest friend Crystal who once again went with me and made this day fun for me.And this little girl-is just so good at doctor appointments...
We met with dr abrams first,if you read my last post you know,that today was supposed to be the end of all this..we were going to find out for sure about doing reconstructive surgery but were thinking that we weren't going to do that at this point(wait until shes older and if the scar bothered her,then we'd do the surgeryToday was also the day to make sure that everything was still looking good since she went off her meds.Today was going to be an exciting day,with lots of good news..But...Dr Abrams nurse came in and and felt around and said" I think I feel another node.."i jumped in and said"oh no I think that's just scar tissue in there" she didn't say much,so I thought she agreed with me.Dr Abrams came in and after feeling it as well he said the same thing..i didn't ask to many questions..he just said he definitely didn't want to go in there before September(I was assuming he meant for the reconstructive surgery)and that well wait and see him again then..He also informed me that he is planning on retiring soon after that,so if we do another surgery we want to do it before he quits. We left there and I still felt...upbeat:)
Crystal and I had such a fun afternoon..She has been a friend like none other to me over the past 5 years..shes more like a sister to me.We have the deepest of conversations and can say things to each other that no-one else could.We understand each other,we have allot of respect for each other,and even though there are things we disagree on,we respect each other in those things as well. We pray together over the smallest things and the biggest things.We laugh about the silly ways we do stuff and how long it takes her to get ready.We encourage each other in standing behind our husbands and we lift each other up when one if feeling down...But God is calling her and her family to Michigan...and it breaks my heart,a million times to know that in a little over a week we will be saying "see you later" because goodbye is just to hard and to sad of a word to say.Our boys are best friends and have grown up side by side since they were born.My heart aches thinking about seeing them give that goodbye hug.I know it will be harder on me then it is on them.So today,was extra special,special that she put her packing aside and came with me to doctor appointments that she knew I don't like to do alone.And after the news we got im just so thankful that she was with me,to listen to me talk out my raw emotions on the way home,to tell me its ok feeling like I was,and to pray with me that I feel peace...
The next appointment was with the ID doctor...And as soon as she came in,Hayden was looking up at her and she said with a frown.."i see it" She felt around and said "The infection is back"..It seems as though it never left,we thought it did when we were in 3 weeks ago-but at that time,Hayden was still on meds,today she had been off of them for a week( or 2 I cant remember how long its been) and the doctor thinks that the meds just suppressed the infection and now that she's off, its flaring up again.I bombarded her with questions "Why?! What are we going to do?Is this going to keep coming back?!! WHY!" And I had to be honest with her,5 days after Hayden was off her meds,i was feeling her neck just to be sure and I told Matt "im sure im just being paranoid,but I feel like its thick!" But of course I didn't want to believe it. So,since the meds only suppress the infection and don't actually take care of it,were not putting her back on meds.Both doctors want to wait ,hopefully until September to do yet another surgery to remove the infection,again. I asked her why we cant just do the surgery now and get it over with and she said,that she actuall feels about 3 infected nodes in there,with it being in the neck and there being so many scary areas in there to operate,we want to let these nodes get as big as they can without the area bursting,that was whatever infection is in there,will show itself so when he goes in to get it out,its "ripe for the picking" and he wont have to dig around .So the longer we wait the less chance there will be of him having to go in more then one more time..if he went in now,theres a good chance,that there would be more in there that he couldn't get to,and a few months later we'd have it flare up again.Oh Lord!(((deep breaths)))So we will be having another summer of watching her neck grow and waiting.I was so ready to move on,so ready to feel like we are all healthy and can go on with life...but it seems were not there yet.Right after the appointment I just prayed"Ok Lord,what is it?!What are you trying to teach me here?What am I not getting?!"...He hasn't answered yet:) Laying in bed with Hayden tonight I teared up...thinking about all that's to come..all over again.But I also feel like if we got this news 3 months ago-I probably would have fallen apart,i was at a rough place,and I felt so weak...I feel like God gave me the past couple months to strengthen me again....to make me ready..so here I am Lord-
Strong and ready...although we all know,that aint my strength...
"My help comes from You"
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