I have felt soooo emotional over the past week...Womens conference was soo very good!!on Friday evening they had a time of sharing,it went against every thing in my body to share but I felt God was just urging me to..after battleing it for a while I finally picked up the mic. and shared a bit of my story and how I have been feeling... my last sentence was "I know this Is all a part of the journey God has us on but I cant help but just wish it ..."and I couldn't say any more...now this is the part where God just leads his children.The lady in charge immediately "I think we need some ladies to surround her and lets just pray" and that's what they did..and oh what a precious,healing time it was...during that time the same lady who lead all this looked at me and said(something like this) "I feel like its time for you to grieve..God is pleased with you!But its ok to grieve,cause this is a loss,its a loss of health.Its ok for you to be angry about this,to be sad...just be real with God."
I have struggled with this..so bad.My view on all this has been "it could be worse."and anytime that I have felt sad about this I remind myself of that and make myself snap out of it.But when she told me that...it was almost like all my walls came crashing down,like everything around me disappeared and all I could see was our situation and God...Everyone has there own journey,this is ours.
Let me be honest with you ....
let me be raw....
This.is.hard.
This year,has been so hard.and even though the surgerys are over(although Haydens not out of the woods yet on another surgery)to me,it feels like we are right in the middle of it all...
After this weekend,i have been sooo emotional.Sunday i just cried...Monday I just felt so down.and even thought at one point "this feels like how i feel when I have post-partum depression..what is wrong with me??!!"had a headache from Friday night to Monday night.And on and off after that.finally last evening I went and got a massage...The lady I go to is ..well incredible!a women of faith..and I think God set all this up...Mom in law couldn't make it to her massage appointment ,so she gave it to me...and even though I felt like I probably shouldn't spend money on a massage I decided to "just do it"...The masseuse and I just talked...started out talking about essential oils and how they were used I the bible times..talked about our heavenly dreams and then she asked me about my family...she knew bits and pieces of it all...but as I was telling her this and how I feel my headache is tension related cause its all in my shoulders/neck area, I said" I don't know how to not stress...I try to give it to God everyday but the things that go through my head seem so legit for me to think about..things like did I give Hayden her meds today? I wonder if I could skip a couple days and try to let her immune system build up?is she acting like this from her meds?Is that a bump on her neck again or is that jus scar tissue? Whens my next dr appointment,cause they will be able to tell?does she have diaper rash again?stupid meds!:/ ..and the list goes on...do I just not think about that stuff??How does a mother not think about that stuff??
Just talking about this stuff was good for me..getting it off my chest.Even though she didn't really have the answers.. anyways after my wonderfullllllll hour long massage and even having me move around to make sure the knots were gone,I went to pay...normally I pay 45 for an hour...she only charged me 25...Pretty cool right??:)
This morning I decided I wanted to blog..about my weekend my week...and how emotional and rough its been and it dawned on me...maybe ive been feeling the way I have because im grieving...maybe this is just that..
But just as I was feeling a bit "alone" Someone handed me a envelope last night,from some friends from pa,a giftcard to our favorite restaurant in town...and then someone else gave a beautiful bag along with a check...and it was just the "boost" I needed.
God has just been asking me to be real with Him...and its hard for me to be real and yet still feel like im trusting him..you know?like does it make sence to say "God this is so hard,this really sucks.im tired of this.but I trust you..you know best." I think that's something God is teaching me...the middle ground in that.Ill let you know how that turns out:)
Hayden meets with the surgeon on Tuesday.She hasn't seen him for 6 weeks..im a little nervous to be honest,after what the ID doctor felt when we were there 2 weeks ago...but at the same time im excited.To see what he has to say...hes usually really honest with me and I appreciate that so much.
Someone asked me over the weekend how Hayden is...honestly,if you didn't know wht was going on,youd think she wasa normal healthy kid..if your my friend on facebook and see the videos I post of her..shes a real hoot...but like any kid she has her days..there again I think "bad day cause of meds and infection or just normal bad toddler day?":)She has been complaining of her neck hurting lately again..not sure what that's about...
As for Asher...he turns 4 next month...Hes a growing boy!!I have to remind myself when he has his outbreaks..that he too has been through allot the past couple months..Hayden gets allot of attention just cause were very aware of her infection etc...im learning though that Ashers love language I think is quality time..well that and physical touch.so weve been trying to do more with just him..although right now that just looks like...sitting on the chair holding him ,reading to just him etc..Im so proud of him though..he and hayden don't always get along but he is protective of her and when shes not feeling well,hes right there to help take care of her.
Matt had a doctor appointment end of last week and is now out of his sling(I cant remember if I wrote about this or not??!) after a long 9 weeks of being in it...however the doctor said he is not allowed to lift ANYTHING except a cell phone:)He also said he wont release Matt to work before December..even then its not for sure...
Ill end with this.. a verse someone shared with me at conference and its my verses from till till all this is over...
Isaiah 43 :18-19
Forget the former things,do not dwell on the past.See I am doing a new thing.Now it springs up,do you not perceive it?I am making a way in the dessert and and streams in the wasteland.
When think about that...this is all a part of God making streams in the wasteland...its just so encouraging to me...
something that's been on my mind allot this week..my friends who have been sticking by me...my family and husband especially....and you who continue reading my blog and praying for us...you are so treasured!thank you !
Friday, October 17, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Singing lips...
Everyday I wake up I think..todays a new day..
Jesus,today i thank you for fresh starts,for crisp mornings,for the energy I felt to crawl out of bed this morning.For my sister in law who drove in this morning and is staying with me for the weekend,for the tiny bit of peace and quite I am having right now as she took my kids out for a bit.Lord You just know...exactly what I need,exactly when I need it.That gives me every reason to trust you...You are all-knowing.Thank you.
I cannot even say how busy I have been...I feel like im in constant go mode!We had church camping 2 weeks ago(was that already 2 weeks??!!)What a good time we had,being with our church people,and just being in the outdoors.We all had such a great time.We came home from that and 2 days later Hayden had 2 dr appointments in Greenville.Her first appointment was with her new eye doctor she has to see because of the med shes on and the side effect it can have.We were soo happy to hear that not only are her eyes fine,but we don't have to go back again until February!(we were expecting to have to go monthly or even weekly.)After that we went to we infectious disease doctor. She was hapy to hear that Hayden is doing really well on her new med.Hayden seems to like dr Lacroix a little more everytime we go in and this time she was more then willing to let her feel around her neck area. Dr Lacoix said she thinks the nodes are melting but she still feels infected nodes in there, one is right behind her first surgery scar and then behind her 2nd scar she felt a clump of them(she said it feels like shes rolling her fingers over some grapes)the clump is the one we will watch. She didn't want to see her again until November(ptl for us!) but wants us to keep a close eye on it and if we see any change to bring her in right away. The part of not having to come back for a while was good news...the part about her still feeling them..not so much.That just means ,they are still there and from my understanding also means that were still looking at another at least 10 months on treatment. Oh how I HATE to think about that,and what all this treatment is doing to her tiny little body...We have an appointment with the surgeon again in a week and a half..and im curious to see what he thinks about the ones that are still there.
I didn't have much time to think about all the dr stuff until writting this out since directly after that appointment we headed to florida. And just writing about it makes me tear up. Lord how I love to see you working but I cant help but think im so ready for this to be over.
We had such a good time with my parents,who just moved to the sunny state:) There is soo much to do at my parents house down there and the kids had sooo much fun.We spent most of our waking hours outside riding bikes around the little town they live in,theres little to no traffic going through there so we rode the streets freely(if you've ever been to pinecraft you know what a special place it is) They played in mimis sandbox and little pool,we went to the beach twice,spent time with my grandma and just had a blast really.Saturday a good friend of ours (more like my little brother ) got married down there and I was co-ordinating the wedding, and my kids were both In it as mini bride and groom.So leading up to Saturday I was busy.Sat night I was exhausted and sunday I just relaxed.we decided to leave one day early since our church is having a womens conference this weekend and I have part and had practice Tuesday night .So we headed home Monday lunch time.Tuesday I spent the day cleaning up my house,unpacking,doing some laundrey etc. Tuesday night I had practice and didn't get home till late.Wednesday I had coffee with an old friend from pa..and what a good time it was.We laughed,we cried and we prayed together,She left my house and I felt so uplifted and encouraged. The things she prayed over me I felt God was answering already that afternoon. Jesus knows when we cant pray ourselves for the things we need..he sends our friends to pray it for us.What a mighty God we serve!!!! I did my grocery shopping yesterday afternoon and last night had practice again,that leads us to today...Did I mention ive been really busy?!:)
Matt went to the dr this morning and got his sling off FINALLY!!!"Oh happy day!"(happy day is Haydens favorite song an she walks around singing it all the time..go listen to it,and be happy:))
Tonight the womens conference starts..i am really excited about this..i have been feeling that God is going to do some incredible things in my life and the lives of these women this weekend and I am just so excited to see it unfold and to feel his presence and glory flowing throughout all of polk county.It wont be contained!
If you are one of our faithful prayer warriors,i just want to say thank you,and please don't stop... Matt not being at work has been challenging, We are learning so much about each other right now..being together literally 24/7..you kinda do . We still have so much to learn . Its hard not to forget each other..to remember that that face your seeing all the time is the face you love and can fall into...Its been especially hard for me ...with him being here all the time and not being able to do allot...I tend to carry everything on my own,and that's wearing,and tiring,and not how its saposed to be. Gods working on me there:)
I must go, the days not going to wait on me.:)
Please pray for me ,my family and all the women of FCC this weekend as we do this conference... Matt will be taking care of the kids,making suppers etc...he will need extra patience:) for my kids,that they don't give there daddy a hard time:) and for me,that I can enter in to His presence with joy,that Gods love and peace would radiate through me,both at conference and when I enter my home and that God would speak this weekend. That He would do amazing things.That his presence would be almost tangible....
Im singing on the worship team this weekend..for anyone that knows me knows how I love to sing... I just opened my bible to psalm 63 and read :"With singing lips,my mouth will praise you" beside it I wrote "singing lips best express a satisfied soul"
"Because your love is better then life,my lips will glorify You"Psalm 63:3
Now,go sing!:)
Jesus,today i thank you for fresh starts,for crisp mornings,for the energy I felt to crawl out of bed this morning.For my sister in law who drove in this morning and is staying with me for the weekend,for the tiny bit of peace and quite I am having right now as she took my kids out for a bit.Lord You just know...exactly what I need,exactly when I need it.That gives me every reason to trust you...You are all-knowing.Thank you.
I cannot even say how busy I have been...I feel like im in constant go mode!We had church camping 2 weeks ago(was that already 2 weeks??!!)What a good time we had,being with our church people,and just being in the outdoors.We all had such a great time.We came home from that and 2 days later Hayden had 2 dr appointments in Greenville.Her first appointment was with her new eye doctor she has to see because of the med shes on and the side effect it can have.We were soo happy to hear that not only are her eyes fine,but we don't have to go back again until February!(we were expecting to have to go monthly or even weekly.)After that we went to we infectious disease doctor. She was hapy to hear that Hayden is doing really well on her new med.Hayden seems to like dr Lacroix a little more everytime we go in and this time she was more then willing to let her feel around her neck area. Dr Lacoix said she thinks the nodes are melting but she still feels infected nodes in there, one is right behind her first surgery scar and then behind her 2nd scar she felt a clump of them(she said it feels like shes rolling her fingers over some grapes)the clump is the one we will watch. She didn't want to see her again until November(ptl for us!) but wants us to keep a close eye on it and if we see any change to bring her in right away. The part of not having to come back for a while was good news...the part about her still feeling them..not so much.That just means ,they are still there and from my understanding also means that were still looking at another at least 10 months on treatment. Oh how I HATE to think about that,and what all this treatment is doing to her tiny little body...We have an appointment with the surgeon again in a week and a half..and im curious to see what he thinks about the ones that are still there.
I didn't have much time to think about all the dr stuff until writting this out since directly after that appointment we headed to florida. And just writing about it makes me tear up. Lord how I love to see you working but I cant help but think im so ready for this to be over.
We had such a good time with my parents,who just moved to the sunny state:) There is soo much to do at my parents house down there and the kids had sooo much fun.We spent most of our waking hours outside riding bikes around the little town they live in,theres little to no traffic going through there so we rode the streets freely(if you've ever been to pinecraft you know what a special place it is) They played in mimis sandbox and little pool,we went to the beach twice,spent time with my grandma and just had a blast really.Saturday a good friend of ours (more like my little brother ) got married down there and I was co-ordinating the wedding, and my kids were both In it as mini bride and groom.So leading up to Saturday I was busy.Sat night I was exhausted and sunday I just relaxed.we decided to leave one day early since our church is having a womens conference this weekend and I have part and had practice Tuesday night .So we headed home Monday lunch time.Tuesday I spent the day cleaning up my house,unpacking,doing some laundrey etc. Tuesday night I had practice and didn't get home till late.Wednesday I had coffee with an old friend from pa..and what a good time it was.We laughed,we cried and we prayed together,She left my house and I felt so uplifted and encouraged. The things she prayed over me I felt God was answering already that afternoon. Jesus knows when we cant pray ourselves for the things we need..he sends our friends to pray it for us.What a mighty God we serve!!!! I did my grocery shopping yesterday afternoon and last night had practice again,that leads us to today...Did I mention ive been really busy?!:)
Matt went to the dr this morning and got his sling off FINALLY!!!"Oh happy day!"(happy day is Haydens favorite song an she walks around singing it all the time..go listen to it,and be happy:))
Tonight the womens conference starts..i am really excited about this..i have been feeling that God is going to do some incredible things in my life and the lives of these women this weekend and I am just so excited to see it unfold and to feel his presence and glory flowing throughout all of polk county.It wont be contained!
If you are one of our faithful prayer warriors,i just want to say thank you,and please don't stop... Matt not being at work has been challenging, We are learning so much about each other right now..being together literally 24/7..you kinda do . We still have so much to learn . Its hard not to forget each other..to remember that that face your seeing all the time is the face you love and can fall into...Its been especially hard for me ...with him being here all the time and not being able to do allot...I tend to carry everything on my own,and that's wearing,and tiring,and not how its saposed to be. Gods working on me there:)
I must go, the days not going to wait on me.:)
Please pray for me ,my family and all the women of FCC this weekend as we do this conference... Matt will be taking care of the kids,making suppers etc...he will need extra patience:) for my kids,that they don't give there daddy a hard time:) and for me,that I can enter in to His presence with joy,that Gods love and peace would radiate through me,both at conference and when I enter my home and that God would speak this weekend. That He would do amazing things.That his presence would be almost tangible....
Im singing on the worship team this weekend..for anyone that knows me knows how I love to sing... I just opened my bible to psalm 63 and read :"With singing lips,my mouth will praise you" beside it I wrote "singing lips best express a satisfied soul"
"Because your love is better then life,my lips will glorify You"Psalm 63:3
Now,go sing!:)
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