How do I start todays blog... one word. TRUST. There have been so many times over the past year that I felt I have had a choice..to trust God,the almighty ,omnipotent Father of mine.Or to worry,to stress ,to fear.I must admit that although my soul longed to choose the first option,more then once,my flesh has gone with the ladder. And everytime,im reminded what an awful place that is to be in.Over the past week ive had days of both,we had allot of stress ,with both Matt and I being sick middle of the week last week,we had some worry and fear as I have felt like I cant plan ahead of Tuesday(tomorrow)until I know if we will or will not be having another surgery for Hayden.But today...today I feel nothing but trust. Its so amazing to me how I feel like God works everything out exactly how it should be..how I need it to be,before I even know I need it.I was asked to sing on the worship team sunday,but once I got this cold I was like oh boy...but somehow,i was able to sing yesterday..ive said it before how healing singing is for me..and the songs we sang yesterday spoke straight to my heart.At one point while singing I felt like,it was just me and God right there,having church.Even If no one else had "church" I did...And it was amazing." God I look to you I wont be overwhelmed ..give me wisdom,you know just what to do .."It was such a time of sacrifice for me..i felt like right there I was saying "ok God,its yours.Speak to me,i trust you." beautiful.so beautiful. This morning I woke up,and spent some time reading my bible and praying and during that time the kids were having a hard time getting along. So I did something I don't do often enough,i stood up,placed my hands on each of there heads,and prayed.Knowing that they would probably run away thinking its a game,instead,Asher looked at me,stood up and nuzzled into me,Hayden followed in his footsteps and they both stood there as I prayed,nuzzled into me,and at the end both said "in Jesus name ,Amen" and off they went.God gave me a beautiful picture...He speaks over us,And longs for us to nuzzle into Him as He does.I felt so strongly God was just saying.."Today,I want you to nuzzle into me. As I speak over you" SPEAK LORD JESUS! My heart is full.My mind is clear.And my storm,is calm.
I feel so at peace about whatever happens tomorrow. Surgery or not. Surgery would suck and it would be hard,yet I feel at peace.
Im so thankful,so thankful for everyone who has been praying for us, for family and friends that have encouraged and lifted us up, and im so thankful for a God who I know I can trust and fully rely on.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
unexpected news again...
"Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear." Isaiah 65:24
That verse was so true for me today...
Hayden had a appointment with infectious disease doctor.Last we saw her was right before Christmas when we were hopeing for her to go off of her meds however there was a scab on the first scar that Dr Lacroix felt a little uneasy about so she said lets keep her on meds and we'll meet again in February and hopefully take her off then.
I left this morning and decided not to get my hopes up,i didn't want to be disappointed again...but we got unexpected news again.
As soon as she saw the scab was still there she looked troubled.She said she doesn't feel any nodes but that scab makes her think theres still infection in there trying to push out.She said she doesn't want to stop her meds yet..then she sat there a bit and didn't say anything..and then got a look on her face that I recognized:(She wants us to go see the Abrams (the surgeon) again.Shes thinking he might need to go in and do another surgery,one where he can clean out any more infection that's still in there and then at the same time can perform reconstructive surgery on the scar.She set up an appointment for next Tuesday and is going to let him decide what to do from here...however,from our experience,if Dr Lacroix thinks that's what we should do,Dr Abrams usually agrees. After she told me all this she went out of the room to call Dr Abrams and set up an appointment for us,during that time I text matt and our families along with some close friends and told them what she said..for about a minute,i sat there tears welling up in my eyes and feeling so discouraged,but just like that I started feeling like "its ok,Gods got this,He knows what she needs,He knows what I need,He will give me strength,its going to be ok.dont out ahead,focuse on now." Dr Lacroix came back in with my appointment scheduled with Dr Abrams and we talked a bit more,she did say that she didn't like doing another surgery on her with her being so young,but its also been 8 months of therapy since her last surgery and it just might be what we need to do .She thinks that after another surgery we could be done..no more meds and hopefully be rid of this awful disease. After hearing that I thought,you know what,i hate thinking about the stress of another surgery,another hospital visit and putting her through all that again,but if it meant for it to be done and over with,i think id be ok with that..its time for healing..its time to move on from this.
I have felt so lifted today..a few times tears have came thinking about putting her through another surgery,but it seems as though God continues to "refuel" me all day.As though satan keeps throwing things at me but right before he does God comes in ,refuels me,and then I stand strong. My amazing friend text me right as I got into my car to leave today before she knew anything about the visit we had just had and she sent me the devotions she had read that morning..about God knowing me..knowing what I need before I need it.."our Heavenly father knows exactly what we will face today and next week.He is eager for us to experience Him as he provides for us..Maybe I needed today,maybe I needed to be reminded of the strength he places in me in the exact moment I need it .When I think before something even happens "how in the world would I handle that?How would I cope"..you just don't know..you don't know until your there,in the room hearing something unexpected and Gods grace pours in.Not that it don't hurt,not that you don't have your moments of panick...but God...hears each prayer,reaches down ,and comforts.Right.When.You.Need.It. "He is ready to show His strength through our weakness.Our Heavenly Father knows whats best for us and He is prepared to provide every need,if we will but ask"(phil.4:13)
We are trusting God in this...if this third surgery is what Hayden needs..we will accept it and praise Him still...If God says "enough"..we will be grateful. Pray with us for discernment for Dr Abrams when he sees her next week.And also that this next week would be peaceful for Matt and I...I don't like waiting, but I refuse to be weighed down by this.
That verse was so true for me today...
Hayden had a appointment with infectious disease doctor.Last we saw her was right before Christmas when we were hopeing for her to go off of her meds however there was a scab on the first scar that Dr Lacroix felt a little uneasy about so she said lets keep her on meds and we'll meet again in February and hopefully take her off then.
I left this morning and decided not to get my hopes up,i didn't want to be disappointed again...but we got unexpected news again.
As soon as she saw the scab was still there she looked troubled.She said she doesn't feel any nodes but that scab makes her think theres still infection in there trying to push out.She said she doesn't want to stop her meds yet..then she sat there a bit and didn't say anything..and then got a look on her face that I recognized:(She wants us to go see the Abrams (the surgeon) again.Shes thinking he might need to go in and do another surgery,one where he can clean out any more infection that's still in there and then at the same time can perform reconstructive surgery on the scar.She set up an appointment for next Tuesday and is going to let him decide what to do from here...however,from our experience,if Dr Lacroix thinks that's what we should do,Dr Abrams usually agrees. After she told me all this she went out of the room to call Dr Abrams and set up an appointment for us,during that time I text matt and our families along with some close friends and told them what she said..for about a minute,i sat there tears welling up in my eyes and feeling so discouraged,but just like that I started feeling like "its ok,Gods got this,He knows what she needs,He knows what I need,He will give me strength,its going to be ok.dont out ahead,focuse on now." Dr Lacroix came back in with my appointment scheduled with Dr Abrams and we talked a bit more,she did say that she didn't like doing another surgery on her with her being so young,but its also been 8 months of therapy since her last surgery and it just might be what we need to do .She thinks that after another surgery we could be done..no more meds and hopefully be rid of this awful disease. After hearing that I thought,you know what,i hate thinking about the stress of another surgery,another hospital visit and putting her through all that again,but if it meant for it to be done and over with,i think id be ok with that..its time for healing..its time to move on from this.
I have felt so lifted today..a few times tears have came thinking about putting her through another surgery,but it seems as though God continues to "refuel" me all day.As though satan keeps throwing things at me but right before he does God comes in ,refuels me,and then I stand strong. My amazing friend text me right as I got into my car to leave today before she knew anything about the visit we had just had and she sent me the devotions she had read that morning..about God knowing me..knowing what I need before I need it.."our Heavenly father knows exactly what we will face today and next week.He is eager for us to experience Him as he provides for us..Maybe I needed today,maybe I needed to be reminded of the strength he places in me in the exact moment I need it .When I think before something even happens "how in the world would I handle that?How would I cope"..you just don't know..you don't know until your there,in the room hearing something unexpected and Gods grace pours in.Not that it don't hurt,not that you don't have your moments of panick...but God...hears each prayer,reaches down ,and comforts.Right.When.You.Need.It. "He is ready to show His strength through our weakness.Our Heavenly Father knows whats best for us and He is prepared to provide every need,if we will but ask"(phil.4:13)
We are trusting God in this...if this third surgery is what Hayden needs..we will accept it and praise Him still...If God says "enough"..we will be grateful. Pray with us for discernment for Dr Abrams when he sees her next week.And also that this next week would be peaceful for Matt and I...I don't like waiting, but I refuse to be weighed down by this.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Come as you are...
Come out of sadness,From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted,Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy,Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t heal
So lay down your burdens,Lay down your shame
All who are broken,Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home,You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt,Lay down your heart
Come as you are
There’s hope for the hopeless,And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table,Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary,Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t cure
So lay down your burdens,Lay down your shame
All who are broken,Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home,You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt,Lay down your heart
Come as you are Come as you are
Fall in his arms,Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still,Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t heal
I have loved this song for a couple weeks now.. every time it comes on the radio it touches something deep within me and every time I hear it I feel like Jesus puts his hand under my chin and lifts my face to look into His.. Isn't it funny how a song can do that to you.
Today the words meant something new to me..."Come out of sadness,From wherever you’ve been,Come broken hearted,Let rescue begin,Come find your mercy,Oh sinner come kneel...All who are broken, lift up your face...Lay down your heart, come as you are.
Coming as I am isn't always easy for me...I may be somewhat of an over thinker at times.. and lately over thinking has been a downfall..."our journey" seems so long. And the longer it goes the more my over-thinking self thinks "you need to just go on. Dont feel sorry for yourself. They're sick of hearing about your troubles.." My over-thinking self is also going to re-read this post and think, I probably shouldn't have wrote that, that sounds bad. But i'm going to write it.. it's healing for me. It really does something for me to express my feelings in this way...
Hayden is doing well.She's still on her medication..I really don't know when she will go off of it.She has an appointment with her ID doctor the 16th of February and im hopeing and praying that we can take her off of it after that appointment.Im also hopeging and praying that God heals my heart..my big momma heart that feels like it took a beating last year...I have such a soft spot in my heart for my little Hayden..shes so tough, but she didn't really have a choice in that,she had to be strong and brave.Still does.Being a mom is so hard..but I think the hardest part of it is the things we feel for our kids..when I see the look of hurt on my sons face,or when I see the disappointment in my daughters eyes when I tell her I cant play something with her right now...but this far,nothing has hurt worse then her in that hospital bed.I was strong for her,i smiled at her when she woke up in the mornings,and I hugged her so tightly before I sent her to the O.R. I tried all I could to have fun with her while she was hooked up to moniters.To make it look like its not so bad.And when she smiled, with her face all wrapped up in that bandage I thought"oh my word,look at her.That tough little cookie.Shes ganna be fine" ...when I feel those things for my kids,i know you feel them for yours as well...I grip my heart and say "my momma heart"
The past week has been really rough...Wednesday I had to go get my one(I only have on thank the Lord)wisdom tooth pulled..I really wanted to put it off but after having about 3 days of awful pain I decided I don't want to go through that again.Wednesday my sister in law had my kids all day and Matt took off work to stay home with me after the surgery.I slept all day,and around five Matt went and got the kids and brought home supper from wendys:)Thursday I was still on oxycodone which makes me crazy and so tired.I was getting dizzy when id stand up so again ,sis in law to the rescue, Val came and spent the morning at my house taking care of the kids and cleaning up while I layed there dozing in and out.Thursday evening I stopped the oxy but still had/have to take 800 milligram ib profen and ammoxicillen to fight infection .Friday evening Asher threw up and was crying from a stomach ache.I sent Matt out with Hayden and tried to dis-infect the house and snuggled my buddy while he layed around all evening.He threw up again before he went to bed but woke up Saturday feeling fine.I was so worried about Hayden getting it,so we tried to keep her and him from getting to close but saturday was so beautiful so we spent most of the day outside.Saturday night throughout the night I was having really bad stomach pains,which I thought were cramps(which would make sence if you know what I mean) but thought it was weird I was getting cramps since im still on ibuprofen. Sunday morning I woke up and tried to go to make the kids some chocolate milk and I could hardly walk,i stopped in the hallway and yelled for Matt,i spent the rest of the day laying in bed.Id go out to the recliner for a bit but just couldn't get in a position that didn't hurt,so id go back to bed and just lay there.My tooth was also hurting yesterday morning which was also weird to me since im 4 days out from surgery.So i took a hydrocodone,but that didn't help the "cramps" at all.By last evening i was so discouraged..What is going on??!Why are all these things happening to us just back to back to back...i love that i can say "last year" when im referring to Haydens surgerys or Matts surgery,but this weekend all that felt like last week and then boom...were hit with all this mess.I know satan wants me to feel this way and that alone makes me angry at myself for feeling this.I read on a friends blog whose son is fighting cancer "i feel like were not being carried like we once were" i could relate to that,but it also made me fall on my knees right there and cry out to God on their behalf,cause the battle they're fighting is so much worse then ours.It also made me think..satan comes to kill, steal and destroy and boy do i feel the effort hes putting into that. But we need to stand together, fight for one another.And sometimes ,for me,taking the focus off myself and praying for others who are going through the fire, helps me more then praying for myself.
I guess i write all this to say..Will you pray for us? Im ready for this attack to be over.This year long attack,that seems to never end.My husband handles all this better then i do..He goes on..just rolls with it.But im tired.I feel like God has given me strength right when i think i have none left and im so grateful for that.For a savior that i know has a "momma heart" just like mine and is feeling what im going through.He gives me grace,but there are days i forget to ask for help.
Im feeling "ok" today,the pains stab my stomach about every 15 minutes or so and even more so when i eat or drink ,ive been looking up all kinds of things...cramps,stomach ulcers,kidney stones...not sure what to chalk it up to..But we have wiffle ball tonight and that's something i look forward to every week,so ill go, and ill play as long as i don't feel as bad as i did yesterday.
Ill end this with more lyrics from another favorite and comforting song..
Come to me you tired and heavy laden, come to me with all your weariness.Here with me is where youl find your haven,and i will give you REST.
Come broken hearted,Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy,Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t heal
So lay down your burdens,Lay down your shame
All who are broken,Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home,You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt,Lay down your heart
Come as you are
There’s hope for the hopeless,And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table,Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary,Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t cure
So lay down your burdens,Lay down your shame
All who are broken,Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home,You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt,Lay down your heart
Come as you are Come as you are
Fall in his arms,Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still,Earth has no sorrow That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow,That heaven can’t heal
I have loved this song for a couple weeks now.. every time it comes on the radio it touches something deep within me and every time I hear it I feel like Jesus puts his hand under my chin and lifts my face to look into His.. Isn't it funny how a song can do that to you.
Today the words meant something new to me..."Come out of sadness,From wherever you’ve been,Come broken hearted,Let rescue begin,Come find your mercy,Oh sinner come kneel...All who are broken, lift up your face...Lay down your heart, come as you are.
Coming as I am isn't always easy for me...I may be somewhat of an over thinker at times.. and lately over thinking has been a downfall..."our journey" seems so long. And the longer it goes the more my over-thinking self thinks "you need to just go on. Dont feel sorry for yourself. They're sick of hearing about your troubles.." My over-thinking self is also going to re-read this post and think, I probably shouldn't have wrote that, that sounds bad. But i'm going to write it.. it's healing for me. It really does something for me to express my feelings in this way...
Hayden is doing well.She's still on her medication..I really don't know when she will go off of it.She has an appointment with her ID doctor the 16th of February and im hopeing and praying that we can take her off of it after that appointment.Im also hopeging and praying that God heals my heart..my big momma heart that feels like it took a beating last year...I have such a soft spot in my heart for my little Hayden..shes so tough, but she didn't really have a choice in that,she had to be strong and brave.Still does.Being a mom is so hard..but I think the hardest part of it is the things we feel for our kids..when I see the look of hurt on my sons face,or when I see the disappointment in my daughters eyes when I tell her I cant play something with her right now...but this far,nothing has hurt worse then her in that hospital bed.I was strong for her,i smiled at her when she woke up in the mornings,and I hugged her so tightly before I sent her to the O.R. I tried all I could to have fun with her while she was hooked up to moniters.To make it look like its not so bad.And when she smiled, with her face all wrapped up in that bandage I thought"oh my word,look at her.That tough little cookie.Shes ganna be fine" ...when I feel those things for my kids,i know you feel them for yours as well...I grip my heart and say "my momma heart"
The past week has been really rough...Wednesday I had to go get my one(I only have on thank the Lord)wisdom tooth pulled..I really wanted to put it off but after having about 3 days of awful pain I decided I don't want to go through that again.Wednesday my sister in law had my kids all day and Matt took off work to stay home with me after the surgery.I slept all day,and around five Matt went and got the kids and brought home supper from wendys:)Thursday I was still on oxycodone which makes me crazy and so tired.I was getting dizzy when id stand up so again ,sis in law to the rescue, Val came and spent the morning at my house taking care of the kids and cleaning up while I layed there dozing in and out.Thursday evening I stopped the oxy but still had/have to take 800 milligram ib profen and ammoxicillen to fight infection .Friday evening Asher threw up and was crying from a stomach ache.I sent Matt out with Hayden and tried to dis-infect the house and snuggled my buddy while he layed around all evening.He threw up again before he went to bed but woke up Saturday feeling fine.I was so worried about Hayden getting it,so we tried to keep her and him from getting to close but saturday was so beautiful so we spent most of the day outside.Saturday night throughout the night I was having really bad stomach pains,which I thought were cramps(which would make sence if you know what I mean) but thought it was weird I was getting cramps since im still on ibuprofen. Sunday morning I woke up and tried to go to make the kids some chocolate milk and I could hardly walk,i stopped in the hallway and yelled for Matt,i spent the rest of the day laying in bed.Id go out to the recliner for a bit but just couldn't get in a position that didn't hurt,so id go back to bed and just lay there.My tooth was also hurting yesterday morning which was also weird to me since im 4 days out from surgery.So i took a hydrocodone,but that didn't help the "cramps" at all.By last evening i was so discouraged..What is going on??!Why are all these things happening to us just back to back to back...i love that i can say "last year" when im referring to Haydens surgerys or Matts surgery,but this weekend all that felt like last week and then boom...were hit with all this mess.I know satan wants me to feel this way and that alone makes me angry at myself for feeling this.I read on a friends blog whose son is fighting cancer "i feel like were not being carried like we once were" i could relate to that,but it also made me fall on my knees right there and cry out to God on their behalf,cause the battle they're fighting is so much worse then ours.It also made me think..satan comes to kill, steal and destroy and boy do i feel the effort hes putting into that. But we need to stand together, fight for one another.And sometimes ,for me,taking the focus off myself and praying for others who are going through the fire, helps me more then praying for myself.
I guess i write all this to say..Will you pray for us? Im ready for this attack to be over.This year long attack,that seems to never end.My husband handles all this better then i do..He goes on..just rolls with it.But im tired.I feel like God has given me strength right when i think i have none left and im so grateful for that.For a savior that i know has a "momma heart" just like mine and is feeling what im going through.He gives me grace,but there are days i forget to ask for help.
Im feeling "ok" today,the pains stab my stomach about every 15 minutes or so and even more so when i eat or drink ,ive been looking up all kinds of things...cramps,stomach ulcers,kidney stones...not sure what to chalk it up to..But we have wiffle ball tonight and that's something i look forward to every week,so ill go, and ill play as long as i don't feel as bad as i did yesterday.
Ill end this with more lyrics from another favorite and comforting song..
Come to me you tired and heavy laden, come to me with all your weariness.Here with me is where youl find your haven,and i will give you REST.
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