Accepting the hard stuff

"When the boat is tossed upon the waves
When I wonder if you'll keep me safe
Even in the storms I'll follow you, even in the storms I'll follow you
I believe everything that you say you are
I believe that I have seen your unchanging heart
In the good things and in the hardest part
I believe and I will follow you"(I will follow -Jon Guerra)

Ive wanted to write so many times over the past week but everytime I try I just didn't feel ready...Last week was maybe the roughest week ive ever had..and it's carried into this week although this week feels more bearable then last..
Crystal left last week-I didn't know just how hard that would be...I miss her already.I didn't know just how hard it would be to see her go and to carry on without her around.I know im so blessed to have a friend like her and I pray our friendship never changes.
All of this has been so hard for me to accept..i feel like ive had to process the news about Hayden so much.And everytime I would get to the point of thinking "its ok,its no big deal,we can do this again.." I would then think.."i just cant believe this!Were doing this again!!" and I'd go back to feeling so disappointed,so let down and so upset. My parents couldn't have came at a better time then they did...the weekend after we found out about Hayden my parents came up for the weekend,and it was such a wonderful time.I cried on my moms shoulder for only the ten thousandth time in my life.And she left me cry and continuously reminded me that its ok for me to be sad but at some point soonim going to need to snap out of it:)(that's my mom for you)They left on sunday morning and I was debating going to church or not,i knew if id go id be a mess,but I also knew if id stay home id feel worse,so we went and as we sang the tears wouldn't stop flowing,and then they announced they were going to be having a prayer of blessing over Regan and Crystal before they left,i looked at my husband ,the redness in my eyes along with tears still flowing,telling him ive been crying for a good 5 minutes already and I said with a half grin"that is such a bad idea for me right now" We laughed and went and surrounded the couple that have been two of our biggest encouragers ,supporters and closest friends over the past 5 years..and there were so many more tears.The next week I felt so down in a way that I think I scared myself(and possibly my husband to a little) The good thing about my personality and when I walk through hard times is I cant keep it in,so id call my sister or mom,sobbing ,upset and discouraged and I would let it all out..right when I thought "maybe this is just me now,maybe im just going to be this sad person all the time" I received a card in the mail from some of my hometown friends back in pa..the card was filled with giftcards to some of my favorite places and a letter of encouragement...two days later I got a delivery to my door,a beautiful boquet of my favorite flowers from my sister..and slowly,i felt my spirit being lifted..up until then I found it so hard to pray. all I could say was "why"...I couldn't say the words I knew I needed to say "I surrender" isn't it funny how we know..we know what we need to do or tell the Lord that will make us feel so at rest..yet we cant get the words out..Sunday the preacher preached a message that just moved me...and as much as I felt like nothing he was going to say was going to "get me"..it did...as he spoke I heard.." Imagine your like an airplane..coming in for landing...and your all ready to land but God says no , not yet,because he sees down on the runway theres other planes blocking it..so you just keep circleing,and circleing waiting for God to tell you,"ok its time"..Just.Keep.Circleing. Don't give up" and I cried again...
I know God has asked us to walk through this..I know He has something beautiful that is going to come out of this all..Trusting him and surrendering is hard,But I know who He is,i know what He has promised and I know He is making a way .So we just keep circleing.
Music is something that always has and always will minister to me more then anything,and the song at the beginning of this post is one of those..the words,are just so powerful.
Hayden is doing well...the week after we were at the doctor and found out the news,it was interesting to me to hear the little things she said and did that made me think "she knows exactly whats going on..she told mom that shes going to the hospital and wanted mimi to come with ..(I did not tell her that,she must have overheard the doctor)Shes been extremely needy with me since then as well,a few days she would scream and cry when I would I would walk out of her site,although that has gotten a little better.ITs just crazy to me how much she understands..
Her id doctor has been so wonderful to us,we don't have any scheduled appointments over the summer.She knows that we have to pay out of our own pocket for doctor visits(which is quite exspensive) and she has been so good with us as to try to keep our appointments to a minimum.However with that comes allot of responsibility on our part..watching the node,measuring it as it grows and when it gets big making sure it don't get to the point of bursting.So every night when she goes to bed we check it,measuring it with my finger and trying to figure out if its grown and how much.A part of me would just like to take her to the doctor every now and again cause its so hard for me to tell,although last night when checking it I did feel it was bigger and as much as I hate that I also felt good that I could actually tell it was bigger.Its not popping out yet(except for certain ways she turns her head)Im waiting on a call from the doctor now,shes been having gunk coming out of her eyes and this morning around her eyes were really dark,i don't think its anything to worry about but given her history the doctor has told us if she gets sick or anything changes with her health to let them know(which is so hard to discern)
Were heading out to the beach this weekend and are so excited for a little get away with the kids(of course Matt will be playing ball,but that just makes it all the more fun:))
Thank you all for being so caring,for the continuous prayers and support we love you all!

UPDATE: around lunch time today Hayden started crying like she was in pain and grabbing her ear,after finally getting a hold of her doctor they wanted me to take her to a peds right away,We did and it turns out she has pink eye along with a really bad ear infection(this is on the opposite side then her lymph node infection) She has some swollen nodes on the side of her ear infection now,but that is to be expected and the peds said is nothing to worry about.So they are putting her on antibiotics(again!)for her ear infection and hopefully get it cleared right up.