God we need you...

If there was ever a time I have been at loss for words,its now...how do you write about something so personal, something that just the very thought of brings you to tears, how do you explain grief, how do you put into words what its like to watch someone you love fight for their life...


The two men on either side of my daughter in this picture, are two of the most influential men in my husband and i's lives.And two of our childrens favorite people..on the left is my father .Who in July we suddenly lost to a heart attack .Someday's the shock  of getting the call ,that my mom was at that very moment, performing CPR on my dad ,who I had just seen and hugged a few days earlier is still so fresh in my mind.Only a few short(but felt very long) minutes later I heard my sister through the phone sobbing ,say "he's gone" . I never prepared myself for this. I never knew how I would react,how my husband would follow me around my room trying to hold me still but I just  threw clothes around trying to pack so I could just get to my mom...it was awful, heart wrenching and something at the time I thought how do you recover from this...but somehow life goes on. The pain is still raw and cuts like a knife at times..but its not as constant. The tears still flow but not every hour of the day like they did at first... Loosing someone you love changes you ,not always visable to others,but it changes you on the inside-a part of you puts up a bit of a wall, like if I loose someone again, I will be more prepared, surely it wont hurt this much...but we all know that's not how it works... the grief,the heartache the tears you feel when you loose someone..thats the price of love..if you don't have those things, you don't have love and how awful would that be.Im so grateful to have had a dad who makes living without him now so hard and so heart wrenching. I miss him , we all miss him, so badly.


On the right is my husbands dad, and best friend. And if I'm being honest he has, since the day I married my husband, been just like my own dad was to me. When I married Matt I moved 10 hours away from my family, something that my dad could hardly stand and wouldn't have, had it been to marry anyone other then Matt..but my dad would rave about Paul (my dad in law) when I would call him and say "oh here comes Paul with his blower,hes going to help Matt blow the lawn" or when I was pregnant with Asher I called and said " I woke up at 8 this morning and someone weeded my garden already this morning, musta been Paul" If you know my father in law,you know this is just the kind of guy he is,always helping others and so selfless. Maybe that's why these two had such a special bond,cause my dad was so glad I had another dad to take care of me when he wasn't around...or maybe it was just a deep respect, but whatever it was, these two hit it off from the get go, and when my dad was really sick,Paul would ask about him everytime I seen him, and when Paul was diagnosed with cancer in January, my dad called me in tears saying how sorry he was and how he cant stop thinking about him...if he was here now, I know he would have been wrecked when I sent out a text to my siblings on Friday evening, between tears he would have read " we found out today that Pauls cancer is rare, fast growing and the doctors say its not curable. Please just pray."      ....................   "But the ones who holds tomorrow, holds me in his hand and I will not fear the future,but trust the great I am.Who has been and always will be reigning on His throne for the one who holds me in His hand is the one who holds it all"  Oh Jesus, where would we be without You. The road we (my husbands family) are walking right now feels overwhelming, and fear is constantly trying to overtake us..But we continue to hold tight to his promises, We continue to trust Him and praise Him, Because who are we without Him. We are already seeing this disease changing our family , but not in the way that satan would hope,  we continue to draw near to God, and to each other, and we are storming the gates of heaven together asking God to give us a miracle, like we know without a doubt that He can...And if He chooses not to give it to us here on earth, We will still sing his praise, and say He is good.. Paul is weak and is doing chemo now, and everyday is different then the last as far as how he's feeling. But he is being so well taken care of by my mom in law(who is just so amazing) and I know he feels the prayers, and someday's needs the encouragement that so many of you have given  I write all this to say, please pray with us, For our miracle, but ultimately Gods will to be done.For grace, which we so desperately need, for strength on the many days we feel we have none and for wisdom and guidance. Were so grateful to not be walking this hard road alone.