Surgery week

I would be lying if I said this week has been an easy one....the truth is,its been really rough. Sunday morning both kids woke up with a cold and Asher had a bad cough.We stayed home from church and rested hopeing it wouldn't last more then a day or so..(its thursday and they both still have nasty colds:(

 )Monday evening Hayden drank some nail polish remover, we knew she didn't have much but I panicked not knowing what happens when someone drinks poison,so we took her to the ER.Thankfully the nurse was  nice and called poison control before doing anything else,who told her that given the amount she had(not much if any swallowed) that the most that would happen ,she would have a stomach ache,they sent us home and told us to give her lots of fluids and something to eat. We weren't in long, and were so thankful that she was ok and it wasn't anything to worry about.And we laughed about it later as I told my family how Hayden handled going to the hospital like it was just a walk in the park. Wednesday I got up knowing that the next day was Matts surgery and the rest of the week I would be tending to him so I  wanted to get things done. First on my list was figure out some of the bills that I had to send in to our health care program. We don't have an office at our house so I do this at the kitchen table..i was at it no more then 5 minutes and my sweet daughter came up and wanted to draw,not on any papper,but only on my bills.When I told her no she was heartbroken and entered into a huge crying mess...after 5 minutes of her crying I realized I was getting very frustrated,i hadn't gotten anything accomplished and I felt as though I was on the verge of falling apart.I called my mom in law and asked if I could come do the stuff there(I often do that so I can get it done sooner and have a desk to work at)she so willingly said "of course" so just like that we were out the door.I got my stuff done and we came home at 12. At 1 I decided to let the kids swim in the little pool for an hour before nap time...we were out on the deck about a half hour when Hayden walked away from me and I noticed a rash on her back...Since she is on antibiotics(and she just had a change in her antibiotics on Monday)things like this the doctor needs to see her to make sure its not a reaction to her antibiotics...I so didn't want to call the dr,so I sent a picture to my mom hopeing she would say"i wouldn't worry about it" well she called right back and said"that looks kinda bad.." so I called the dr and an hour later we were on our way to the pediatricion.On the way there I called my sister and sobbed to her on the phone..."I feel so overwhelmed!!somedays I feel like this is sucking all the life out of me..why cant you live closer and make my supper tonight!!"I vented,i felt better and later that day we were joking about my little episode:) The dr visit lasted really long since we had to wait an hour before being seen..but she confirmed it was not a reaction but rather a heat rash and she sent us on our way.
That leads us to today...the day of my husbands surgery, the day I have been dreading,for many reasons. I depend on my husband for so many things,and I love being treated like a lady.

 I love that when we go places together,were a team,he straps Hayden and Asher in there carseats while I get everything stuffed in the diaper bag and lock up the house.I love that jobs like mowing taking out the trash,bathing the kids while I do the dishes after supper,and so much more,are things he does or helps me with. And I know I can do all these things,i know ill be fine to do them...but these past four months,im not going to lie to you all, I have felt worn, I have had days(and this week there all clumped together) where I have felt so tired and overwhelmed, that adding all that other stuff to my plate I cant even wrap my head around...but I have to take one day at a time.
 This morning as I was waiting in the lobby for the surgery to be done,i started praying ,about my worries my fears,my overwhelmed  spirit..and God layed on my heart to pray for a supernatural strength and energy for me...and a rest and peace for Matt.Will you pray that with me
Today while we were back in the pre-op area I heard a child crying, screaming.I don't know what was going on,but I know a nurse was holding her and she was crying for a while...after about 5 minutes of it,i looked at Matt and said,"i cant take that..that brings back a whole flood of memories,of emotions" and next thing I new I was sobbing,sitting there beside my husband who was about to go under for surgery and I couldn't pull it together.The more I tried to stop crying ,the more I cried. He looked at me an said "whats going on?" and I admitted something,i don't like admitting "im just not in a good place right now" he asked if he should call someone to come be with me ,but that was the last thing I wanted... 
The surgery went good today. I met with the dr after surgery and he said this tear was really bad. He said Matt should have came to see him long ago. He stressed and stressed how careful Matt needs to be the next 6 months or so.He said the rate for this being succesfull is about 50/50 and that depends on Matt and how carefull he is. He also said we do not want to do this surgery again,he don't know how much he could help him if he'd have to do it again..all the more reason for Matt to be carefull.He expects Matt to be out for about 6 months,he said it could be sooner(pray pray pray!) but hes planning on six months.
a friend told me the other day "your just so positive through all this" and I said "I have to be,in the moments that im not,its the most depressing thing.I cant stay there.I have to be positive." But it seems like ever since I said that,i feel like im under attack...and I have the tiniest bit of fight in me.And then I remembered these words...oh these words..."When my heart is OVERWHELMED, lead me to the ROCK that is HIGHER THEN I!!!!" I keep saying that over and over..What would I do,where would I be without His promises..without His grace,without His peace. Those moments that ive felt so often this week...I need to fix my eyes.again and again...cause when I do..i feel the strength.The strength I need.That strength is what brought me through so many hardships in the past,and that strength is what will bring me through every hardship in the future.
This weeks been hard.This week has fought me hard. This week isn't over,but I will not fear tomorrow,cause His mercies are new every morning.
Next month will be 5 years of marriage for us.

In those 5 years we as a family have gone through 7 surgeries(2 of which were C-sections) 4 of those surgeries were just this year.But we are together,we have love we have faith and we have family.And that is so much more then allot of people have!Im so thankful for that.And I know that these next couple months will make me even more grateful.Gods going to bring something beautiful out of all this..I cant wait to see it.