Emotions,Rollercoasters, and Trusting

I have felt soooo emotional over the past week...Womens conference was soo very good!!on Friday evening they had a time of sharing,it went against every thing in my body to share but I felt God was just urging me to..after battleing it for a while I finally picked up the mic. and shared a bit of my story and how I have been feeling...  my last sentence was "I know this Is all a part of the journey God has us on but I cant help  but just wish it ..."and I couldn't say any more...now this is the part where God just leads his children.The lady in charge immediately "I think we need some ladies to surround her and lets just pray" and that's what they did..and oh what a precious,healing time it was...during that time the same lady who lead all this looked at me and said(something like this) "I feel like its time for you to grieve..God is pleased with you!But its ok to grieve,cause this is a loss,its a loss of health.Its ok for you to be angry about this,to be sad...just be real with God."
I have struggled with this..so bad.My view on all this has been "it could be worse."and anytime that I have felt sad about this I remind myself of that and make myself snap  out of it.But when she told me that...it was almost like all my walls came crashing down,like everything around me disappeared and all I could see was our situation and God...Everyone has there own journey,this is ours.
Let me be honest with you ....
let me be raw....
This.is.hard.
This year,has been so hard.and even though the surgerys are over(although Haydens not out of the woods yet on another surgery)to me,it feels like we are right in the middle of it all...
After this weekend,i have been sooo emotional.Sunday i just cried...Monday I just felt so down.and even thought at one point "this feels like how i feel when I have post-partum depression..what is wrong with me??!!"had a headache from Friday night to Monday night.And on and off after that.finally last evening I went and got a massage...The lady  I go to is ..well incredible!a women of faith..and I think God set all this up...Mom in law couldn't make it to her massage appointment ,so she gave it to me...and even though I felt like I probably shouldn't spend money on a massage I decided to "just do it"...The masseuse and I just talked...started out talking about essential oils and how they were used I the bible times..talked about our heavenly dreams and then she asked me about my family...she knew bits and pieces of it all...but as I was telling her this and how I feel my headache is tension related cause its all in my shoulders/neck area, I said" I don't know how to not stress...I try to give it to God everyday but the things that go through my head seem so legit for me to think about..things like  did I give Hayden her meds today? I wonder if I could skip a couple days and try to let her immune system build up?is she acting like this from her meds?Is that a bump on her neck again or is that jus scar tissue? Whens my next dr appointment,cause they will be able to tell?does she have diaper rash again?stupid meds!:/ ..and the list goes on...do I just not think about that stuff??How does a mother not think about that stuff??  
Just talking about this stuff was good for me..getting it off my chest.Even though she didn't really have the answers.. anyways after my wonderfullllllll hour long massage and even having me move around to make sure the knots were gone,I went to pay...normally I pay 45 for an hour...she only charged me 25...Pretty cool right??:)
This morning I decided I wanted to blog..about my weekend my week...and how emotional and rough its been and it dawned on me...maybe ive been feeling the way I have because im grieving...maybe this is just that..
But just as I was feeling a bit "alone" Someone handed me a envelope last night,from some friends from pa,a giftcard to our favorite restaurant in town...and then someone else gave a beautiful bag along with a check...and it was just the "boost" I needed.
God has just been asking me to be real with Him...and its hard for me to be real and yet still feel like im trusting him..you know?like does it make sence to say "God this is so hard,this really sucks.im tired of this.but I trust you..you know best." I think that's something God is teaching me...the middle ground in that.Ill let you know how that turns out:)
Hayden meets with the surgeon on Tuesday.She hasn't seen him for 6 weeks..im a little nervous to be honest,after what the ID doctor felt when we were there 2 weeks ago...but at the same time im excited.To see what he has to say...hes usually really honest with me and I appreciate that so much.
Someone asked me over the weekend how Hayden is...honestly,if you didn't know wht was going on,youd think she wasa normal healthy kid..if your my friend on facebook and see the videos I post of her..shes a real hoot...but like any kid she has her days..there again I think "bad day cause of meds and infection or just normal bad toddler day?":)She has been complaining of her neck hurting lately again..not sure what that's about...
As for Asher...he turns 4 next month...Hes a growing boy!!I have to remind myself when he has his outbreaks..that he too has been through allot the past couple months..Hayden gets allot of attention just cause were very aware of her infection etc...im learning though that Ashers love language I think is quality time..well that and physical touch.so weve been trying to do more with just him..although right now that just looks like...sitting on the chair holding him ,reading to just him etc..Im so proud of him though..he and hayden don't always get along but he is protective of her and when shes not feeling well,hes right there to help take care of her.
Matt had a doctor appointment end of last week and is now out of his sling(I cant remember if I wrote about this or not??!) after a long 9 weeks of being in it...however the doctor said he is not allowed to lift ANYTHING except a cell phone:)He also said he wont release Matt to work before December..even then its not for sure...
Ill end with this.. a verse someone shared with me at conference and its my verses from till till all this is over...
Isaiah 43 :18-19
Forget the former things,do not dwell on the past.See I am doing a new thing.Now it springs up,do you not perceive it?I am making a way in the dessert and and streams in the wasteland.
When think about that...this is all a part of God making streams in the wasteland...its just so encouraging to me...
something that's been on my mind allot this week..my friends who have been sticking by me...my family and husband especially....and you who continue reading my blog and praying for us...you are so treasured!thank you !